My A to Z of Parenting


Ahhh, if I thought my anxiety couldn’t get any worse, all I had to do was birth a child and then another 10 months later to prove myself wrong. The constant checking the baby is breathing every five minutes through the night and the absolute stomach churning moment of your baby having a meltdown for no apparent reason… oh the joys, I’m Sure there is more to come, this may need a blog post of its own!

Breast or bottle?
Now, be prepared for the I think I know better than you police if you’ve got a strong opinion on the latter.. or god forbid you say that “fed is best” (which in my opinion is the only right answer), seriously I tried breast feeding and neither of my babies took to it so I thought fuck it and went straight for the bottle, hey at least they got some breask milk right?
Your best friend! Jabs? Calpol. Slight fever? Calpol. Teething? Calpol. Overtired? Calpol. Baby finally in bed? Pink Gin Time

Be prepared for a lot of crap. Mainly runny soft, and explosive at that. Up to their belly button, up to their neck, down their legs and in your hair! Yes I challenge any mum who says they have never had baby shit in their hair, you probably have and just haven’t noticed.

Everyone else knows more about your own child than you
“Hold her like this she’ll stop crying.” “He just needs some milk!” “That baby needs a nap!” “Just change the milk your using.” Unless it’s your doctor saying these things, they’re probably wrong. I’m sure people(mainly strangers) just want to pass on some wise words of wisdom, but it really does sometimes feel as though these people know more about your baby than you do. Cue more anxiety. 

Babies fart. A lot. Especially if they’re struggling with wind up the top end too, but compared to the shits its nothing you can’t handle right? WRONG. Its fucking hilarious when your laying in your bed in the middle of the night, and you baby lets out a fart that puts her dads to shame! I dare you to try and not piss you pants when someone in a queue leans over your baby says ‘ahhhh how cute’ and your baby lets out the SBD (silent but deadly) type of fart that seriously smells like sulphur….. hahaha that will teach them for being nosy!

Was it just me or did any other mums start to develop and OCD during the nesting period about using those wonderful antibac wipes on every single thing in the house, I even sprayed our carpets with disinfectant. But now 15 months and two under two on I could not give a crap about a little bit of dirt….. builds their immune system right? Here’s another one for G – Gin, mama’s best new friend!

How the hell does one tiny human make so much shit?

How on earth did you manage to open/climb over the baby gate?

How can one tiny person make so much mess?

How can one toddler eat so much? Wait….. wait I know you my child ahha!

DO NOT LET THEM GET HOLD OF A PEN. Seriously I would recommend buying a safe just for your pens, if you don’t, well then don’t be surprised when you find ink marks up the walls, over bed sheets, over them, their clothes on their sister…..

Just about coping
Don’t think I need to add anything here other than most mums are just about coping, only just keeping their shit together, so offer some help so they can go reset please.

Knotty Hair
A hair brush you say?……. I do not have time to use a hair brush…. fingers and a bobble will have to do!

Loads and Loads
You’ve just done all the laundry, great. Ohh no, wait the baby just had another shit explosion!

Before kids this was something that occurred at around 7am ish, now that you have kids morning and night are no longer concepts of time as you live on a 24 hour schedule. #mombie

The place you send them when you’ve had enough… just joking… or am I… No seriously they make friends here and do you always get told that your child has been an absolute angel all day? Little S**t why can’t you be a perfect little angel for me?

Remember how I said that everyone else knows your baby better than you do? Basically, this. That and the mum police, they are allowed to have an opinion, you however are not, they know best remember.

Really you say, are you seriously talking about poo again? Yes I am. Babies poo.. a lot. Be prepared to change a lot of poopy nappies and not just one a day. My baby girls record is 5 poopy nappies in two hours and not just a little shart either I mean a full shitty nappy!

Google is your best friend! Until you read a little too many articles and discover that you, your child and everyone else that you have ever come in to contact with are dying from an incurable disease, or you have the habit of self-diagnosing so chicken pox becomes some zombie virus that is going to wipe out the entire world!

Why do babies, toddlers and children not come with an off switch, I mean I wouldn’t use it all the time, just when my brain cannot possibly take anymore and I’m about to lose my shit! A mute button would be a compromise!

Sleep….. what is this? I have a very vague distant memory of once getting a full 8 hours sleep… or was that just a figment of my own imagination…. who knows I have full blown #mombie brain.

If you thought the newborn colic and reflux was bad wait until your little one starts teething… Need I say more…. Calpol and lots of ice cubes!

Understanding your babies “cues”
So….. I don’t know about you other parents but neither of my babies have cry cues there is only one, and its just noise so I literally have to go through every single thing before I find what it is they want……. tiring!

If you’re lucky enough to have a baby with reflux just like I did you will be constantly changing your babies clothes, and yours and constantly apologising to family, friends and shop managers for your baby projectile vomiting all over them and the floor!

The idea of weaning sounds simple, luckily for me it was both of my babies have taken to soilds straight away, but I know for some mums weaning isn’t a walk in the park, I plan to do a whole blog post on weaning so keep an eye out. Here’s another one for W – wine and lots of it!

Okay so I can’t think of a word beginning with X that relates to anything remotely connected to small humans but hey, have you ever had an x-ray? Or has your little on had to have an x-ray?

Years and years
The amount of time it feels since you have slept for more than two straight hours.

Something that you took for granted before children and may have abused out partying all weekend, and now you have kids you’d give anything for a decent nights sleep!

So there we have it my a-z of parenting in a nutshell! Can you relate to any of these things?


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